Sept. 25, 2017, 5:40 a.m.

 

What I did on my holidays by Steven Griffiths

 

My wife and I were pleased to represent Hempnall F.C. at the recent wedding of Juventus defender Andrea Barzagli to his beautiful girlfriend Maddalena Nullo, (named after Andrea’s excellent defensive record). The Juventus players have been keen followers of Hempnall F.C. ever since the Chairman and President made a personal scouting visit to Italy (The Dragon Bar, Cervinia) some years ago.

 

Jean and I caused quite a stir when we arrived in style in our hired black Ferrari (red is so out now).

 

We would like to thank our sponsors Delf’s Garage and Cunningham’s Auto for their recommendation of the D. Corleone Car Hire Company, of Sicily, with whom they have had a lucrative association for many years.

We now fully understand the penalties for damage or late return of the car and that Corleone Stables Ltd., have a number of horses whose heads are detachable if necessary. I’m sorry about the spilled coffee as I wasn’t expecting to be greeted so firmly round the neck while listening to the terms and conditions.

While the bride and groom were safely locked in the church with the vicar, your president was able to negotiate with the remainder of the Juventus players and their agents (the ones with the guns).

Former captain Mr. A del Piero now plays in Australia and the president made a transfer bid of one large, slightly used Portakabin for his services. Although this bribe was completely acceptable we couldn’t agree to his wages, being unable to reach a compromise between Mr. del Piero’s estimate of £100,000 per week and my offer of no wages at all (though I did highlight the chairman's occasional buying of a half of shandy at the Three Horses Heads after the game).

 

We also spoke with Mr. G. Buffon and are grateful for his advice about the mathematics of goal-keeping. In fact the Juventus coaches have made good use of Hempnall’s example, explaining that a goal difference of plus anything is good, and minus anything is not good. Minus two figures is worse and minus three figures requires a referral to the Corleone Correction Facility, Field Lane, (prop. Willie Beckett), motto “There are other ways of motivating players” and the use of his apparatus for the stretching of both arms and both legs at the same time. Very handy for short goal-keepers , mentioning no names but Matt Oakley knows who I mean.

 

Finally, we were happy to recommend a comfortable cheap B&B at our secretary’s house in The Street to any of the Juventus players and wives (no dogs) who are visiting Hempnall. Their charming children are free to run around the house and attend Hempnall youth training (if any) whenever they need free baby-sitting.

 

I enclose my snaps of the happy Juventus players, a Real Madrid one, and a retired referee overcome with excitement at meeting the president. We had a great day with “The Old Lady” and I don’t mean the wife!

Steven Griffiths

President

Hempnall Football Club