Sept. 25, 2017, 5:33 a.m.

Latest news from 'The Club'

 

A new multi-million-pound player search was today officially launched by our General Managers, Matthew 'pay me in Mars Bars' Oaktree, and Oliver 'Girls I'm ready' Lancetta.

 

Already, this joint venture with Corleone Stables Ltd., (who became good friends of our Club following our President's last holiday report in 'Hemp-Balls'), has been inundated with offers of financial assistance from potential player sponsors who include mafia 'couriers' and 'porn chat' hosts (both career paths very much favoured by both Oaktree and Lancetta when their playing days come to an end).

 

Photographed by hidden camera waiting for their invited guests, their disappointment was clear when the new members of the 'hospitality management committee' failed to arrive.

 

Corleone Stables Ltd did instead send, as a gesture of goodwill, a couple of horses heads that were delivered by 'The Retired Secretary' in a small vehicle sponsored by Corleone's UK representative, Kev's Pod Hire.

 

Lora, known in her circles as 'The Chef', was delighted to receive the horsemeat normally supplied to a well-known local supermarket, and this has already been converted into delicious fillings for the after-match feast provided for the players.

 

Since going live this morning, Lancetta's appeal for a midfield 'assassin' has drawn interest from Corleone Stables local representative, Adam 'The Hitman' Selnon.

 

 

Selnon confirmed said applicants should have 'their own transport' and be able to travel to a 'production hub in Amsterdam to collect high value packages and bring them back to the UK'.

 

Lancetta is also searching for a back four player, or as he prefers to call it, a 'target elimination specialist', which Corleone Stables have deemed necessary following the team's recent displays. Two possibilities, who wish to keep their identities secret, were secretly filmed, their faces have been masked to protect their identities.

 

Corleone Stables Ltd suggest that the successful player should also be trained in using sniper rifles, be able to leave foreign countries by non-conventional means and assume new identities should the club results deteriorate still further. It is confirmed that both applicants already have experience in this field.

 

Corleone has also insisted that in addition to the player search, the club is to replace it's Programme with a more up to date computer based publication, and requires a female presenter to host the new title, 'Internet Babe Chat'. The General Managers are all in favour of this change in emphasis, and wish to recognise the efforts Corleone Stables have made in Amsterdam on the Club's behalf.

 

Applications should be made, in person, to Oliver Lancetta. The applicants should wear appropriate apparel.