March 28, 2024, 10:32 a.m.

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Hempnall F.C. Reserves v Downham Town Res

Report By No specific role (No specific role)

Saturday, 08th September 2012, 2:30PM, at Hempnall #1

Home Match, Anglian Combination Division 2 - 2012 - 2013

Win, 3 - 1

 

This being our 3rd league game of the 2012 campaign we knew how important it was to get some points on the board, especially as we had 2 tough league games to follow in the coming weeks.

The injury list now as long as one of Crouchy's legs....most teams would have been relying on their A team (if they had one....which most don't!! Note: praise for Matty) for players, but this season we've taken a giant leap forward and have put together a swollen squad which could make any Olympic venue look full!!

The 5 days prior to the game was nerve wracking, I'd had the call from Disco Danny Q to say that he was unavailable as the 2nd round of the World Under 16 girls Speedway tournament was taking place in Michael Carroll's back yard near Swaffam and he had managed to secure 2 VIP tickets, sitting along side Celebs Dean Gaffney and Cher Lloyd.

It's easier to replace a decent outfield player than it is to find a replacement keeper. We are fortunate enough at Hempnall FC to have, at our disposal, one the greatest keepers ever to rise from the shallow pitched roofs of South Norfolk - 'Old Big flappy Foam Hands' Oakley as he's fondly known - likened to England's Joe Hart, not only for his physique but also his ball handling, devilishly womanising smile and mega £200k a week wages. 'Foamy' has had some outstanding performances and kept a couple of clean sheets...and I'm not referring to his bed sheets either!

But on this occasion we didn't need to call on 'Foamy', because at the 12th hour we had managed to pull in a player who hasn't donned a Hempnall shirt for while....and to be truthful, struggled to pull on this one (those who saw his physique will know why).

Ryan Moss is a fantastic keeper who has risen through the Youth setup and had a tremendous season back in 2009 as a 17 year old (I think??) but had been lured away by University life. He was born and raised in the Hempnall borders (The Greens), and his diet of roasted otter and grilled turnips has left him built like 2 Andy Talbots but with not quite such skinny legs!!

A huge bonus for players, fans and WAGS was the return of the prodigal son, Ben 'the nomad' Ling, who had been away in the Solomon Islands for 3 weeks at The Annual Kit Kat Convention.

We also welcomed back our only Yarmouth born players Tom 'the Bloater' Woodrow to partner Ben 'Just in time' Player in the centre of the park.

The game itself started brightly with Downham having some good possession in the first 10 minutes of the game, once the game settled started to move forwards, winning a corner which was delivered by our playmaker Dean 'the fridge' Mortimer (called fridge because of the vast amounts of alcohol he has but CAN'T drink). Dean's cross was meet by our very own Flying Fortress Bomber, Ben 'Memphis Belle' Ling who climbed at the back post to hammer home a header from 25 yards (minus 23 yards)!!

By clinching the first goal of the game we started to control the first 30 minutes of the game, with a barrage of attacks and a few near misses, mostly coming from Memphis himself!!

Our second came from a player who is known by the women of the village as 'The better looking 
Willis'. Dean worked the channel and whipped in a cross to the edge of the box, Adam walked on
the delivery and smashed it in from 20 yards out!! Another great goal from Willis which will go
towards his soon to be released video 'how to not track back but score worldly goals'!!

2-0 up with 15 minutes to go before half time, we lost Woody to an ankle injury, I think someone kicked him on his ASBO ankle tag!! A replacement was plucked from the bench Aaron 'soon to be lost to marriage' Haynes who stepped into centre mid with ease.

Unfortunately as soon as he came on, we dropped our guard and allowed the Downham striker to latch onto a through ball. Being 1-on-1 with most keepers is bad enough but coming up against a charging Hempnall keeper quicker than Usain and the size of 3 Gladiators stuck together, was bloodcurdling!!

Mossy did his job, defended his goal but caught the striker with one of his Protein shakes which he had down his sock and the striker won a penalty.

The little striker vs the bear of a keeper, in a penalty situation it's more about mind games than anything, this is one where Mossy thrived. He chucked his best pants at the player and jumped around on his line like a 'Take That' fan, inviting the player to put it left then right before diving to his right and making a great save only to parry the ball into the oncoming Aaron 'mind on bigger things' Haynes who smashed the ball into his own net.

Half time Score 2-1 and under pressure

The second half was a tense affair, Downham applied the pressure and had some great possession, without really penetrating the 'tight' Hempnall defence.

With Jay 'Floats like a bee stings like a butterfly' McCluskey and Matty 'partial to a midday beer' Nixon starting to tire, we made the substitutions, bringing on Chris 'Mayweather' Easton and Quinny 'better looking than Tevez' Leather, which gave us more time out of our half and evened up the second half.

It's games like this where one of the teams has to step forward and take the game by the scruff of the neck. Step forward our Director General Ben 'The Sniper' Player. He doesn't score many goals (4 in 12,453 appearances) but when he does you can guarantee they will bounce 4 or 5 times before reaching the keeper!!

With the ball bobbling around the Downham box, 'the Sniper' walked on to the ball and tried to clear it (even though we were attacking) and caught the ball with a sweet spot on his boot which he will admit, he didn't know existed, and the ball took off, bounced a few times, and crept past the keeper!!

The ball landing in the back of the net, aroused emotions similar to those when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, jubilation isn't the word!! RIP Neil.

The victory was ours!!! Onwards and Upwards!!

MOM results...

3rd – Deano Allstar

2nd - Ben Ling

1st - Benny Player

Note: I must stress that nothing in this match report has in anyway been written to insult the Prophet Muhammed although I did see the US consulate in Hempnall boarding up their windows just in case.